4828 - Delivery at slow pace

What a pain I endured on the way home
I walked miles to the post office depot
On a cold dark evening, my megaphone
The object, but a collection point no show
The gates were locked, though there was lighting glow
From the inside. On Wednesdays it should be
Open until 8, but tonight, well, no
Sign of life. I've arranged delivery
On Saturday morning. Watched England v
Montenegro, seven nil the score - boom!
Kane got a hat trick, a young team you know
Is always gonna do better, cos we
Are hot on speed and directness when goin'
For goal, it scares them, it's the way to go

4810 - Frackpool

Today I stayed in, watching the rugby
In the morning, England beat New Zealand
Brilliantly, a historic victory
The final favourites, they are now England
Who will they face in the final? Welsh friends
(Or foes) hopefully not, they seem to win
Against us when it most matters. No more,
Especially in the World Cup Final in
Japan. I also wrote a new song for
The filming tomorrow, fracking the core
Subject, filmed in Blackpool is what I see
On the beach, the red tower in the background
I left it late, and it won't come to be
This time, but maybe some later weekend

Sat 26 Oct

4707 - Final draft

What a day of sport, what a day of my
Authorship, nearly nine hours of writing
Accompanied by Grand Prix, Lewis' high
Then as I continued my hard working
I watched the tennis final, an hour in
Already, yet it went on for so long
I finished my show re-draft, then cooking
And eating my kipper for tea, the strong
Jokovich finally lifting the gong
The older Federer not disgraced, not by
The longest final in remembering
And when that was done, quickly popped along
To Channel 4 to see the last balls fly
England win the cricket World Cup. Thrilling!

4596 - Don't just lie there!

Woke at 5am, lay there for an hour
Had to get up and admit defeat, knew
I'd be tired all day and evening, would now
Not be doing my abs workout on my new
Exercise mat after work, and there's few
Chances left before Moroccan sunshine
Still, I'll get beer in now, drink one or two
And watch the game, see if England can climb
Another rung to the Euro's, align
The stars perhaps this time in our favour
It's Montenegro away tonight. Do
Us proud, it's good to pull on the Three Lions
Club teams all still in Europe too. Will our
Parliament still be in, May Twenty-Two?

4563 - You bedder you bed

Oh wow, it's like Friday night here at home
Watching the Brits, communicating with
Jo and Helen, it's like the pleasure dome
I've had a drink or two, the point therewith
Is to get tired and go to bed, henceforth
Drop off quickly seeing as I'm rising at
Five in the morning, awful prospect, north
England bus ride 6am, and for what?
Pearl's second graduation, Masters, first!
Then she's off to Italy. That takes some
Balls, dunnit? All the best to Pearly, miss
Her when she's gone, thinking of her, though but
Soon I'll retire to bed and drift among
Fluffy clouds til alarmed, I wake and scoot

4503 - Prangs for the memory

It's Saturday and I've got a hired car
I drove to Sheffield, we had no such plan
It's just where we went in the end through the
Clouds and rain of the Pennines near the end
Of the year when it gets dark early and
It did, but got back out of there in time
Got a guide to Marrakesh, got my hands
On new slippers (red) with strong soles, look fine
Pranged the hired car reversing, the bang signed
With yellow paint, need to remove that scar
Or I'll be paying extras the day when
I return the darn thing to Bolton town
Meeting Jo tomorrow also, wonder where
We'll drive? Can't be too far, but should be fun!

4469 - Lazy Sunday and the moon

Got up at 2pm this afternoon
Lovely to loll in bed after a late
One and recover slowly in my room
Listened to the England game - what a great
Comeback to beat Croatia against fate
Which seemed to be handing us a failure
Still with my orange hair left from last night
Amazingly the postman came with a
Parcel at 9:15 am, quicker
Than I expected, with my Amazon
Purchases of a calendar about
Great destinations, plus wi-fi speaker
Charged it, then went to see Bohemian
Rhapsody film, then watched football highlights

Sun 18 Nov

4399 - Spain in the arse

A day in which I have done little else
But listen to music, all classical
Stuff I've not heard in years, I speak not false
Looking for a change in what I hear all
The time as I walk around. It's a thrill
To learn some new tracks I can play along
To, finding stuff that is more difficult
Is the aim, keep forward momentum strong
Played uke well today, hammered every string
But Spotify tracks for a change, it feels
Fresher than playing my MP3, usual
Tracks I know so well. Now for football. Eng-
land are being outplayed by Spain, so all's
Back to normal then - we're crap at football!

4336 - It's coming home - but which home?

Wow, what a day, England beat Sweden by
2 goals to nil, and they will meet Croatia
Who beat Russia on pens, they should be tired
This is our chance, it seems we're together
The momentum is with us, and it's our
Opportunity, so come on England
Croatia are tired, so you just must score
One goal against them, win the semi, and
You'll be in the final, and up against
Either Belgium or France, oh my, oh my
New generations haven't seen this, woah
It's starting to seem like they can't defend
Kane, Alli, Maguire, et al, and so I
Am enjoying this, despite whatever!

4332 - Kicker conspiracy

It's been a long and stressful day at times
Tried to work at home but lost the wi-fi
Connection and couldn't seem to re-find
It at all, so had to go in to my
Office after all. My wi-fi's shit! Why?
Then the England match, 'gainst Colombia
They kicked, pushed and argued, dirty and sly
We got a penalty, scored, but oh dear!
Conceded in the last seconds. The fear
Returned, the deja-vu, the inner squirm
It looked like the chance had gone, and bye bye
Then England won on penalties, with Dier
Knocking the winner excellently home
Just goes to show what happens when you try!

4317 - Viella Day 8

Homeward bound day, cloudy rainy morning
Breakfast, goodbye to Claire and Martin and
Their three dogs, and then two hours of driving
The conversation in the bus weren't grand
The egos of Carly and Logan, friends
Already united, it seems, to stop
My enjoying myself right to the end
But everyone else was fine, just the top
Dogs being nasty. Toulouse Airport, up
To 5 hours' wait before finally boarding
The Brussels flight, and a wait there. England
Were fucking up their game in the World Cup
One-one at half-time, then some quick walking
To Gate B4 to Manchester - homeland!

Mon 18 June

4302 - Nouvelles oignons d'Antoine

Nice day yesterday, once more to the Cote
Brasserie, three-course meal, it's top value
Got home later than usual and just caught
The end of the England match, which was 2
1 against Nigeria. Not long now to
Wait til the World Cup in Russia, begins
When I'm in France, staying in a chateau
Where I hope to meet great peeps and make friends
I might even know some comedians
If they're from the North West, but I'd have thought
It unlikely, this course costing a few
Hundred, plus air fare. We'll be writing puns
Double entendres, maybe an anecdote
I hope it fires my ambition anew

4064 - No disputing the computing

Woke at ten, wanted to stay in bed more
But it's work tomorrow, I must retire
To bed tonight ready to doze and snore
At a reasonable time, not three or four
In the morning! Maybe I'll get up tired
On purpose, setting the alarm for six!
There's football soon, from Lithuania
Where England are playing. Before then it's
A chance to buy a laptop from Office
Outlet or whatever it's called, before
The shop closes - it's Sunday. Must buy a
Replacement for the one that broke to bits
Back in the springtime. Though it's such a bore
I must get it before the chance expires

4061 - Oh no, we've qualified again...

England scraped a one nil win at Wembley
Against Slovenia. It was the usual
Struggle, saved only by striker Harry
Kane, edging over the goal line the ball
In the 94th minute. It is hell
Supporting England, and what's more, I'd say
Next year in Russia, we will not do well
It seems that our national team cannot play
When the pressure's on. But Kane is OK
Like when we had Lineker, maybe he
Can inherit that crown. Maybe he will
Save us from failure this time. Don't be gay
And don't support the team there, or you'll be
Victimised in that rough land, that white hell...

3949 - Stand by your homme

After work, a second night of drinking
Nothing too heavy, just three beer bottles
Carla was asleep so no uke playing
At first, so worked on comedy, little
Noise to disturb her rest, her initial
Stint at Pret, Cross Street, over. When I heard
Her getting up, the uke came out, settled
Into my stride quickly as I prepared
To watch France versus England - it was 'merde'
Cos England lost, but was funny watching
Macron and May in the stand. Is football
Their thing? I doubt it! Went early to bed
But woke at 3, eventually thinking
Of changes to my set, more radical

3884 - Sat 8 April 17

A lovely sunny day up in Glasgow
Where I went with Louis to  watch Celtic
Scenic train journey, Lake District and Low-
lands of Scotland, very atmospheric
As it was at Parkhead, bouncing, singing
Nearly-crowned champions, the green and white
Hordes turned out in force, it was so  hectic
The opponents, Kilmarnock, blue and white
Everyone good-humoured, no need to  fight
Lots of English fans travelled there beside
Us, mainly Irish-descended. They go
There from Manchester, Birmingham, with drink
Aplenty, party spirit, lager flow
Sure enough, the train home saw someone sick!

3608 - Ingerland Mingerland

More misery for England football fans
If enough didn't exist already
France have scored four, first half, against Iceland
The team England froze in fear against. See
How utterly shit they are, comes to the
Inevitable crunch, they just crumble
They have the strength of custard in the sea
They have the wit of Alzheimer's mumble
They have the skill of litterbug Womble
At the disco they have St Vitus Dance
The England team - not 30 years, 50
Of hurt, humiliation, being humbled
Other teams thrash 'em, they pull down their pants
Three red lines on their arse, pure comedy

3606 - Dark knight of the sole

It must be England's dark night of the soul
Not only has our football team crashed out
With no excuse whatever possible
Let's face it, we're shit at our national sport
With gentlemanly rules we just about
Managed, but hard work, camaraderie
Working, being together, we fall short
Outside of strict compulsion - the army
Maybe suits us OK with our duty
Drilled into our thick heads, backed up with sole
Of boot on backside, minimum of thought
Needed, and minimum of empathy
Out of the EU, and impossible
To win Eurovision, we're nerds or louts

Fri 1 July 

3603 - Balls afoot

Good day at work, stuff got done. Though rain fell
On way home, avoided the worst. Once back
Home, watched news, ate, washed our clothes, and a spell
Playing some fast guitar. The news ain't slack
Some think that the UK might still get back
Into the EU, but that's hard to see
Arguments in Parliaments, starts to crack
The UK fragments, independence the
Appeal from Scotland. Ireland's memory
Of division revived. Dave in Brussels
Traitorous old friend, hugs, slaps on the back
Internal wars in Labour and Tory
Parties, no trust, stocks and shares they tumble
Like pound sterling, like Raheem. England's back!

3602 - Niceland!

Was it football or was it comedy
The first of the two games was the support
Act, and Spain got beaten by Italy
But then came the main event. Who'd have thought
It, but England lost to Iceland, a sort
Of miracle, but not when you look at
How bad England were, how they were out-fought
And, as Shearer said, out-thought. They fell flat
Defeated by a tiny land that's sat
In the North Atlantic. Been recently
And they're a good bunch, it's great for their sport
Roles were reversed, England was their doormat
Hodgson took no responsibility
Resigned, yes, but he admitted to naught