3514 - I own an i-Phone

Spent an hour on the phone yesterday eve
Buying a new i-Phone - no more Samsung
Today after lunch (soup) and without Steve
My manager (off sick), appraisal slung
Into the long grass til next week, so hung
Around the O2 shop on Market Street
Picking the new phone up, meanwhile having
All my contacts and pix switched onto it
In the end it was done, that's pretty neat
Problems at work, 'bout when folk arrive / leave
Some do a lot, others next to nothing
Some issues talked over in a long chat
But it's not yet resolved, I do believe
Tomorrow, April Fools will have begun...

3513 - Dirty trousers

Day two of an aching left hip, though it's
OK once I've started walking along
This evening I've now got a sore eyelid
I'd better get a good night's sleep, be gone
Into full rest mode, or I could be stung
Drawn and quartered tomorrow - appraisal
Time's here, woop de doo! I poured soup upon
My hand and burned it at lunchtime, the fool!
It also went on my trousers, so I'll
Clean them when I've written this, five minutes
From now. No, longer, my thoughts take too long
Distracted by a weird sitcom, but we'll
Ignore it now, and finish this sonnet
Now back to Pete Townshend's autobiog...

3512 - I feel so bad

A day late, I'm afraid. Got home last night
From comedy at the King's Arms, driven
Home by Dave T, and I felt ill and tired
I switched on the TV and saw England
Score against Holland and then lose. Glad then
I didn't stay in and watch, but went out
My left hip was today strangely aching
As for the comedy, headlined, I'm proud
To get asked so often. I was quite good
But it was getting late and I was quite
Worried we'd get chucked out, and I couldn't
Be bothered playing guitar. Pints-wise, could
Not drink more than two weak ones, what a fright-
ful performance, eh? But good to stay clean!

About Tue 29 March

3511 - Hali-facts

Not long got back from Halifax, Yorkshire
Went to a few good pubs along the way
Those light brown stone buildings, this time of year
The days and lights are lighter, hip hooray
The Pennine land seems welcoming to stay
But it's okay for a short trip, no more
I'm home safe and sound, ready for the day
Work tomorrow, then comedy, hope for
A good night's sleep, all's on course. Some pasta
As I watch the news, Brussels, Palmyra
And other such exotic places, stay
Beyond my old stomping grounds, Berlin, or
Havana, these are no more no longer
Of interest, times move on, it's a new day

3510 - Give me my hour back

It's Easter Sunday, we've had thunder, rain
And even bright sunshine. I've felt knackered
Though I went to bed quite early (in vain)
Perhaps 'cause the clocks went an hour forward
Nevertheless I love this moment, good
To have the light nights back again, sun shines
In the living room, afternoons, I had
To shield myself by drawing the curtains
Not enough energy to do lessons
(TEFL online course assignment) but tryin'
To learn Tuesday's comedy, cos I would
Be unable tomorrow, on the train
To Halifax for pub crawl with a crowd

3509 - Easter Funny

Hello there, it's Saturday night but still
Two more days off work, because it's Easter
The rain held off most of the day until
We'd walked as usual round the town centre
Funny performers, preachers, tourists, the
Full cast of characters. Some record shops
Where I got vinyl, CDs, mug. Had a
Ravioli dish at Zizzi, just opp-
osite from the office, it wasn't top
Too much tomato, and garlic bread spoiled
By caramelised onion. Got home for
The Germany / England friendly, non-stop
Passing, the old rivals, of course it will
Be tricky, we're behind. Harry Kane - kill!!

3508 - Beyond a joke

Reading Bruce Dessau's 'Beyond a Joke' - it's
A history of flawed comedians from
Grimaldi to nowadays, sketches, skits
Physical slapstick, wit and bust and boom
Psychological flaws and crowded rooms
Smoke-filled nightmares turned into big money
Focused on big names heading towards doom
Their dark sides fuelled their creativity
Aggressively chasing approval, we
Fly off cliffs like cartoon villains, then shoot
Rapidly down as we see there's no firm
Ground below, there never was, infancy
Comes back to haunt us in nightly visits
Like Hamlet, we equivocate and spin

3507 - Just walking in the rain

A most entertaining evening up in
Cheetham Hill Road towards North Manchester
A place I used to travel when cycling
To work in Bury, ages ago, yeah
May even have done some VAT audits there
Began by walking in the rain up and
Down the hill, looking for Restaurant Dera
A Pakistani eaterie. Eaten
Our fill, me and N headed further down
The road to the Jewish Museum, grin
Along to Jewish comedy, where beer
Could be taken in the synagogue, frown
Not needed, saw Lou K, not seen
Since the 80s, a uni professor

3506 - Sleep some more

Still a bit down on sleep these last two nights
And seeing as I'm out tomorrow once more
For a comedy night, I need a nice
Relaxing evening, so that's what's in store
Tomorrow's the last working day, shorter
Week as Easter approaches really quick
March marches like Napoleonic soldiers
Rushing towards either their doom or vic-
tory.I must admit my mind's not slick
It's growing weary, energy is light
Like a run-down battery, it is worn
Down by hard work and hours that tick tick tick
After a good sleep, minds can be like kites
Way up there in the blue, borne by wind's roar

3505 - Oh deary me

Another explosion has rocked the west
Or rather, two, this morning in Brussels
Poor old Belgium, never good at defence
And now the airport, explosions and nails
Once more, Euro intelligence just fails
To stop an atrocity, protect folk
This spring and summer, I hope my travels
Don't put me in harm's way, hope I'm in luck
Malta should be safe, Iceland too, not stuck
In the migrant debacle, islands are best
Meanwhile, airport security, and rails
And roads and streets will be patrolled to fuck
CCTV, armed police, and passport checks
Religious divisions are off the scales

3504 - On the last train again

I'm sat here on the late train from Lime Street
To Manchester Victoria again
I've been with two mates, a comedy night
A very studenty night, oh so young
Think they know it all, but they don't know none
Despite that, performances were quite good
I'm impressed by their sensibleness, some
Lessons maybe to be learned, if I could
Be like them, drink Coke not beer, I'd be stood
In a better place, stood on stable feet
But what is there to laugh at among them
They seem a joyless bunch, unfriendly sort
But then I was too, way back then, indeed
Now I'm stuck here alone on this late train

Mon 21 March

3503 - Disunited City

A nice sunny day out with Josephine
Didn't really do that much except eat
An expensive meal at Cafe Rouge, cleaned
Me out at forty quid, but we did treat
Ourselves to chocolate dessert, and were sweet
After that, no more needed later on
After that, walked to Old T, her team beat
Man City, at the Etihad, what fun
And making up for Thursday's exit from
The Europa Cup. An up and down scene
This football following, an edge of seat
Business, for sure. Time for a guitar strum
Then maybe more reading til footy time
Match of the Day's highlights, weekend complete

3502 - Clowning around

At home this Saturday, so made the most
Watched the news, mainly about IDS
Resigned to oppose staying in, I s'pose
Will now focus on Brexit with Boris
I must admit, almost makes me think twice
With those two the main proponents of go
They're hardly very considerate or nice
One a shaggy-haired clown, one a bald so
And so, the one as noisy as Heathrow
The other as quiet as a shy ghost
One hopes to lead, one did lead but he missed
The qualities to fire up voters, no
Match for Blair, though Blair's now blotted-out toast
Me, I did TEFL, guitar, read, now this

3501 - Four brown bottles

One day late, I'm afraid, with this sonnet
I remember doing a TEFL quiz
Then feeling tired and mentally jaded
Only one thought then occurred, seeing as it's
Friday night, though my earlier plans had nixed
The impulse, got some beer from Sainsburys
Four bottles downed. Kind of regretted it
Once I first tasted it, why'd I buy these?
My forehead prickled, dehydration, he's
On his way back, last few days been flushed out
But now he's on his regular visit
Tried to get Apple TV to work, fees
And special offers were all that's on it
Where's my chosen films? I shall ask Louis...

About Fri 18 March

3500 - Fight the stupid fight

Just got back from an evening football game
Man U lost to rivals Liverpool at
Old Trafford, in the Europa Cup. Shame
For Jo and me she didn't enjoy it
As much as if United had won, but
In the end it was memorable mainly
For fans fighting near the end. Full of shit
(And drink) those fans who so seriously
Preach hatred of Scousers, pathetically
We got away safely, police seemed quite lame
Not doing much, the odd scuffle broke out
But once away from the ground, quietly
Headed for the crowded and delayed tram
Just got on the last train home from Stockport

3499 - Play for today

Not often I can say this - but I've been
To see a play tonight, partly about
Sign language, also communication
I thought it'd be useful, well, a bit
In gaining a little teaching insight
Went with Vee, who is a teacher herself
It was a good experience. Kept real quiet
As it was a small theatre. Best of health
Myself, luckily, didn't need to cough
Although one guy further back kept coughing
So much a few actress' words were drowned out
Back home in time to see football, but rough
Luck predicting the scores this round - got none
Right, so I'm probably out without a doubt

3498 - A few good men

A peculiar TWCNIS - few folks turned up
But it was a fun night, we chatted lots
I didn't play the songs I'd had lined up
Just kind of chatted to the guys, with lots
Of EU-themed discussion, it was tops
You wouldn't get that with pesky audience
Getting in the way! Just us workshy fops
Chatting and bonding against indifference
Arranged a trip to Liverpool perchance
Next Monday to Maguire's, Dave will show up
And maybe others too, though I've still not
Heard from the organiser since I sent
An offer to do a slot. I'll turn up
Perhaps with jokes up my sleeve, perhaps not

3497 - A fishy tale

A day spent at full speed, hope I'm tired now
Worked hard, little let-up, stayed til five, no
Time to go shopping for a Trump wig, so
Hopefully, there may be time tomorrow
A comedy idea for Tuesday's show
Back home, I exercised, then straightaway
Into the TEFL site, Part C (video)
It took less than an hour, so then I played
Guitar, with fingernail missing, easy
It wasn't, but still enjoyed it somehow
Watched OJ drama, ate my tea late, though
Didn't notice my fish fingers were A-
WOL, still in the oven, burnt badly - ow!
I ate them anyway, now I'm full - oh!

3496 - Taking myself to tasks

A busy Sunday, no contradiction
Sunday in some ways is my busiest
The only full free day, when my options
Are open and I try to do my best
To tick off must-do's, want-to's and the rest
Today I did the two main tasks by five
Firstly, thinking up comedy for next
Tuesday, some Donald Trump stuff to do live
I need a dead cat for a wig, to thrive
In that particular role. Then, second
I did my TEFL assignment, some test
But really not that hard, but couldn't skive
As time's running out. Just before the sun
Sank, Scrubbed off mould from the walls. Guitar next!

3495 - Body talk

Been down to Old T and to Manchester
With Jo, a fairly routine kind of day
I bought socks, and make-up brushes for her
Back home now, staying clean, heard body say
Don't get the bad stuff, get back on the way
To full health and concentration. You've got
A lot of TEFL to do, and you may
Even finish 'Valley of the Dolls' at
A push, tonight, and play guitar - why not?
So that's the plan, now that I'm home once more
I need to save up for my holiday
And just simply save money in the pot
I need to keep exercise regular
And just rehydrate, detox, relax, eh?

3494 - Ticked off

Feeling quite tired, not sure why, but at least
This means I'll probably get through without booze
Not sure what to do yet, s'pose I could feast
My eyes on Apple TV, films I chose
Are lined up waiting to be watched, then those
Classic pictures can be ticked off as seen
Might play guitar, to play away the blues
No, that was just to rhyme, I ain't sufferin'
A bit bored but content to just stay in
Too tired to do TEFL, but if I just
Get up early, refreshed tomorrow, who's
To say I won't do the assignment then?
And then I'm onto Part C, that's videos
Then Part D's the last section to be passed

3493 - Poetry emotion

Wow, things are hot, played guitar, now listening
To Liverpool / United, the Scousers
Are currently on top, they are winning
One nil, a penalty. I have been there
In Liverpool twice in these last few days
Visiting my Mum at the weekend and
Last night, a poetry event that blazed
Next week me and Jo we will both attend
The second leg of this tie, it will end
Hopefully in United's favour, bring
Happiness to Little Jo. Could be worse
Football's been in the news, with Sunderland
Adam Johnson found guilty of grooming
Meanwhile, these North West rivals fight and curse

3492 - Live at the Jacaranda

Straight to Liverpool after work by train
Attended a poetry night at the
Jacaranda, hopefully I'll again
Go there, to the basement next time, there's a
Weekly comedy night at the place where
The Beatles did their first gig, that sounds good
To me, I could do it next week after
TWCNIS, no wait, that night's spoken for, should
Be a linguistic play in M/C, food
For thought for a would-be teacher, the brain
Needs feeding, but on for the week after
That. There's also a Jewish neighbourhood
Comedy night at the museum. Slain
By so much good stuff, happening here and there

3491 - Strings of life

A bad day and a good day, conscience clear
I've done all I could do and that is fine
As each day goes by, clarity appears
That I know best, and feel no need to whine
The important things are correctly lined
The puerile opposition can do one
They know or I know that I read the signs
And I for one am having much more fun
Who would have thought it, but it just goes on
Good progress with TEFL, and now I'm near
Finishing Part B, three quizzes done, I'm
One month from complete qualification
Meanwhile, I've practised guitar, had a beer
Now listening to football, time to unwind

3490 - Time is never wasted

I'm really tired, the weekend's worn me out
So I'll just take it easy tonight, read
And watch OJ Simpson. There is no doubt
I've set tongues wagging, and my ears may bleed
Spent most of the day working on a bid
To apply for two promotions, but then
As I read the job specs, it now appeared
I wasn't quite qualified to do them
It's still useful however to work on
My competencies. I should try to write
A mock application, avoid wasted
Effort, practise my drafting, update some
Of the material. Early night calls out
Busy days coming up, oh yes indeed

3489 - North by north best

An amazing weekend, busy, drama
And fun, this is what life is all about
Friday night with Nikki the Londoner
Woke in a hotel, then met Jo just out-
side Wilmslow station, the tram to my flat
Hung out in Manchester, I bought some books
But left them in Vee's flat, oh what a prat
Watched TV with Jo, Match of the Day rocks
Tired, we went to bed, she said the room looks
Good. Today Mother's Day, went to Grandma
In the Wirral, ate at Ellie's, back out
To Birkenhead by bus, Lime Street, last looks
And waves at Piccadilly, home once more
Alone, played guitar, now football highlights

3488 - Party on

Stayed up most of the night, Jaynee's party
And then relocating to a hotel
In Wilmslow with a London girl, Nikki
Not much sleep was got, tired, it's safe to tell
Met Jo at the station, and hopped pell-mell
Onto the Manchester train, then tram to
My flat, then back out again, bookshop sale
Two books for £10, but left them at Lou's
Mingled with City fans, but no abuse
Cos they beat Villa 4-0, they're happy
Got tram back to the flat, we're both here til
Tomorrow, when it's Mother's Day, us two
Will visit my Mum, chocs at the ready
Meal at Ellie's, the weekend's going well...!

3487 - Surprise Marmite failure

It's Friday evening, although still early
Today's been notable for falling snow
It lasted from before dawn til 'bout three
In the afternoon. On the way out, though
I got wet feet! Boots should be worn, you know
In weather like this. Wet socks are a drag
I walked around the office, socks on show
Airing them, drying them. A plastic bag
Enclosing the feet keeps them dry and snug
It was suggested, I think, by Julie
Back home, tried Marmite on pasta, but no
I'm not impressed. The article that bragged
About it is wrong. Tonight, it's Jaynee
And her birthday party - that's where I'll go!

3486 - Time is tight

It's 9:30, been on the online course
I speak of TEFL. Watched 9 videos
Part B (methodology) seems endless
But I'm near the end, three quizzes to go
And a final assignment. Part C, you
Can't be so hard, just more videos to watch
Still got over a month of time to go
To do Parts C and D, and I will switch
If necessary to high-speed mode, such
Hard work I'll do if needed, no excuse
I'm excited that by mid-April, close
To My Malta trip, I'll be on the verge
Of earning cash and having fun with those
Foreign folks. In my lessons, they won't doze

3485 - Can't you take a joke?

Fooled around briefly on the dating site
And got myself blocked for making a joke
About some daft bird's profile name. I might
Not have believed it, that when a fun bloke
Makes a joke, they can't take it, Best she stokes
Her fire with her broomstick. Blocked by a four
Foot one cook, would you believe. By a cook
Probably a school cook with dog hair on floor
And bed too, I bet. If she knew me more
She'd have found out that my patience is slight
With all these muppets, and I would have poked
Myself in the eye rather than dog her
Unless she proved witty, but with her height
And job, I'm more likely to see a spook

3484 - Welcome my friends

Hello, here I am, once again my friends
I'm being ironic of course, yes I am
A quite good comedy night, means to end
Had a good laugh, people of similar stamp
People that really don't give a real damn
Didn't have time to rehearse cos I bought
Tickets for MU v Liverpool, wham!
That's good, can't beat that in the world of sport
The lines were hot, leading me to the thought
I'd missed out, they rang me back in the end
And it will be like seeing old Jaap Stam
Or Bobby Charlton, it will be hard fought
Not least the battle at the other end
From Stretford, banter with Scousers, what jam!